Johnson believes the idea that sex gets stale in longterm relationships is a dangerous myth

Too many couples only talk about sex when they’re having it, or not at all, and Johnson believes this is a missed opportunity. “We don’t have a lot of communication practice outside the stereotypical sitcom thing where the person says, ‘A little bit more to the left!’” Johnson suggests building a practice of fluidly discussing desire. “If a couple is having hard and fast, porn-style penetration over and over and they don’t want that, yet they haven’t ever practiced saying what they do want, they’ll feel stuck.” Johnson says “I’m not in the mood” can often mean “I’m not in the mood for the kind of sex we’re having,” and that opening up the discussion is important for changing it.

Dr. Donaghue agrees you have to be willing to share honestly what is and isn’t working, even if you don’t know the solution. “Intimacy is really about vulnerability,” he says. “So say what’s hard to hear and hard to say. What isn’t working for you? Is it the amount? The ways your doing it?” If you and your partner aren’t comfortable having that kind of conversation, he suggests practicing having difficult conversations about non-sexual things first, and working your way up.

Never stop exploring

“Sex can get better and better over time,” she says, “and it typically does with people who are able and willing to meet themselves at their edges, to be radically honest and continue exploring, rather than assuming they already know what their partner likes.” She suggests prioritizing exploration rather than just “getting off.”

Dr. Donaghue recommends couples start by asking how close they are feeling to one another. He explains there are may ways to feel close: emotionally, socially, erotically. “If you’re with someone you love, care about and feel safe with, try to use sex as a way to expand yourselves and your closeness.” Challenge your own ideas about how sex should look. Continue Reading